Pap singers

While I'm on the subject of preposterous twerps who like to lecture us all with their sixth-form politics, in the course of my daily promenade about Norf London I've just caught sight of that arch-wazzock and Tantric tosser, Sting (Gordon to his mum) emerging from one of his 197 properites.

What is it with these goons and their love of daft monikers? Did he walk into the boozer one day and announce that Gordon wasn't 'edgy' enough, and from now on wants to be addressed as 'Sting'?

If so, instead of going along with this cobblers, the correct response would, of course, be to pour his shandy spritzer over his head, biff him about the bonce and force him to watch endless re-runs of Featherstone Rovers vs. Bradford Northern. Sadly, this almost certainly didn't happen and we've been listening to the demented ramblings of this 3k khunt ever since (he only escapes being a maximum 4k khunt because, unlike Bonehead, he does not possess any facial furniture).

Stink, as he is very fond of telling us, cares passionately about poverty in South America. Perhaps this is why he shoved so much of its produce up his giant hooter. He also worries about the inhabitants of the rain forest. I reckon he could fit most of them in his mansions.

Why do these pop bastards feel the need to parade their green credentials and nutty left-wing politics? I've recently become aware of another one called Thom Yorke, lead shirtlifter with the band Radiodickhead. He is clearly in need of 12 months in the second row for Whitehaven. Like all pop types, he is a raving lefty. Why is this?

I'll tell you. People are only left-wing on subjects they know nothing about. Most people start off left(ish) because they have little understanding of the way of the world, but the struggle to get on leaves little room for idealism and people become more realistic. Pop types, on the other hand, do not undertake this journey because they suffer from a severe case of arrested development. The adulation and riches they accumulate at a young age mean that they live in a bubble, and are immune to the trials and tribulations of everyday existence that the rest of us endure. They never grow up. Paul Weller is another example; a bastard I've fantasised about murdering for 25 years (since I was 6). With his tufty hair and handbag, he is another 3k jobby.

I yield to no-one in my loathing of pop music and its poofy practitioners. All pop groups should be permitted to call themselves by one name only; 'The Screaming Benders'.

Of course, if we were a truly civilised nation, it wouldn't matter, as nobody would want to listen to such a juvenile racket. Your local record shop would have a tiny section at the back for 'pop music', probably containing a few Carpenters cds. The rest of the shop would be full of Brahms, Bruckner, Bach, et al.

Sadly, we are a long way from that, and you, dear reader, are almost certainly a phucking moron who has never heard of Bruckner.