The world's worst punter was in top form again this week. He seems to have a real aptitude for error. It is so accurate, so profound, it is almost a gift. In fact, he is definitely onto something, and should find a way of marketing it; Lose any excess pounds with The Harley Method. Proof-fooled by its eponymous inventor, Martin Jeremy Harley, it is certain to relieve you of the stresses and strains that come with having too much moolah.
The Harley method seems to go like this; Plug into your Notfair account and gently sing crummy pop songs to yourself, blithely unaware that anyone in proximity has to endure commentary from the 3.37 at Crayford leaking from your computer. When a race is underway, say things like; 'I fancy this'(er... why?) 'its getting up'(promptly falls down); 'he's had it'(no he hasn't); 'he's got a double handful' (a particulary irritating expression used by racing bores. It should only be used if you are grappling with a particularly agreeable pair of ladies funbags). This method has relieved the world's worst of about 25k this year.
There is another system used by an equally deranged sportstrader. It could be called the Dangerous Dickhead method. Here's last night as an example; While guzzling 8 pints of strong continental lager, trade simultaneously on Man Utd.-Barcelona, dog racing from Hove, horse racing from Towcester and Stratford, play poker, and have a French porno channel on in the background.
'1-0', 'hares running', 'they're off', and 'all-in' pop up simultaneously as the the computer screen goes nuclear with activity(accompanied by screams of 'vite vite'). The hapless herbert swallows his fag, pulls his keks up, and tries to make sense of the appallingly convoluted position he finds himself in. Needless to say, the greedy twerp does his conkers on every event, and it serves him right.
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